Last night I spent about an hour in my car, hate listening to the radio.
Because THIS:
I am so fucking sick of the blatant misogyny coming from the djs on #94.1fm. The double standards are rampant and it needs to stop.
— Cate Young (@battymamzelle) October 18, 2012
Listeners were encouraged to call in and disclose their numbers. Fair enough. What was NOT okay was the way in which the female callers were treated after having done so. There was a CLEAR and BIASED dichotomy between the way the men and women were treated and frankly, it was disgusting.
The men had a nice time of it. They called in their numbers, (some bragging upwards of 900 women, I kid thee not) collected their virtual fist-bumps and went on their way.
But the women who called with higher numbers (varying from between 15 to 35 if I remember correctly were essentially told that no man would ever want to marry them, (because ZOMG WHAT IS A WOMAN WITHOUT A WEDDING RING?!?!?!?) allusions to loose vaginas included, and those with low numbers (usually 3 to 5) were told that they MUST be lying, and to not call in and lie to them.
WHAT THE ACTUAL, EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS SHIT?
The rage-stroke that this show induced last night is ongoing, and a profanity laden post is the only way that I will be able to adequately convey how VERY FUCKING PISSED I AM about what is being disseminated over our airwaves. There is so much BULLSHIT happening here that I need to do this as a bulleted list, just so I can keep track of it all:
*Going forward I will address (who I presume is) Mr. Smooth directly because he did most of the talking, and he's the one I want to jump-kick. Feel free to correct me if the offender is actually DJ Karey. I don't listen to them enough to know which is which.*
- SLUT SHAMING: Not okay you fucking asshole! Mr. Smooth's reaction to the female callers with higher numbers was barely hidden disgust. One woman even hung up the phone prematurely after he began to berate her. He made comments about loose vaginas (Yes, I said VAGINA) and the fact that he could never be with someone knowing they had slept with so many other people before him. I'm so sorry that the women in your life did not make you the priority of their sex-lifes Mr. Smooth, but you're going to have to get over it.
- UNDERMINING WOMEN: The other abhorrent thing that Mr. Smooth did was undermine the women with lower numbers by refusing to believe that they had not slept with more people, even going so far as to demand that one woman count out who her partners had been. Mr. Smooth, you need to choose. Either you accept that woman have sex and have had many partners that are not you, or you accept that some women make the equally valid choice not to have many partners. You cannot insist that all women are slut-puppies and should have fewer partners, and then shame the women who have fewer partners. You know what that does? IT ENSURES THAT YOU SIR, GET NO SEX.
- VIOLENT IMAGERY: One of the things that REALLY bugged me was the use of violent phrases like "cut down" and "beat out" to describe the sex that men were having. (How many trees yuh cut down? et al.) Now these phrases are colloquial and I understand that they are part of Trinidad's culture, but they have sinister implications. It's especially disturbing that he only used this language to describe men's sexual activity, placing them as active participants, while women's sexual activity was reduced to "skinning out" (spreading their legs essentially) making them passive. Are you not AWARE Mr. Smooth what a huge problem sexual and domestic violence is? Don't you realize that by framing sex in these terms, you're desensitizing the community to the seriousness of sexually motivated violence?
- MISOGYNY: One particularly delightful exchange was with a 17 year old male caller who admitted to having already had 19 partners. Mr. Smooth's sage advice was to wrap it up and get tested.... because some women are malicious and knowingly spread diseases. WHAT THE FUCK SMOOTH? Way to absolve him of all responsibility for his sexual health. It's the woman's fault. She will give you an STD out of spite because she is a HARPIE. The Horror!
- HYPOCRISY: Lastly, I take serious issue with the HYPOCRISY of the congratulatory tone he used when talking to the men. Men called in and claimed to have had approximately 25-60 partners, but it's cool because you know.... penis. Women with 15 partners where unworthy of serious consideration as potential mates in the long term, but MEN WITH 59 PARTNERS WERE SUPER TOTALLY AWESOME. He even tried to place a phone call to a doctor whose sky-high number so impressed him, that he wanted said doctor to disclose it himself on air. The fact that he honestly didn't seem to realize the obvious double standard he was exercising, coupled with the hypocrisy of his actions makes me seriously question his intelligence.
What also annoys the living shit out of me about the way that Mr. Smooth treated these women is that Trinidad is a largely matriarchal society. Not on a political level, but on a familial level. How many young men in this country were raised exclusively by mothers, aunts and grandmothers? How many young men owe their lives and their very well-being to the sacrifices that those women made for them as they grew up? And THIS is the way you're teaching people to treat them? It literally makes me shake with rage.
*On a tangential but related note: on a previous occasion, Mr. Smooth told a woman ON AIR that having an abortion was like taking a gun and shooting a child. Even after she sensibly detailed the reasons why she was considering the procedure. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? Her poor lady brain! How could she ever know what was best for herself in her own life! Decisions: The wymenz can't make them! News-fucking-flash Mr. Smooth, a fetus is not a person. It cannot be murdered. Let me personally direct you to the number of ways in which you are full of shit.*
*On a tangential but related note: on a previous occasion, Mr. Smooth told a woman ON AIR that having an abortion was like taking a gun and shooting a child. Even after she sensibly detailed the reasons why she was considering the procedure. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? Her poor lady brain! How could she ever know what was best for herself in her own life! Decisions: The wymenz can't make them! News-fucking-flash Mr. Smooth, a fetus is not a person. It cannot be murdered. Let me personally direct you to the number of ways in which you are full of shit.*
Your number of sexual partners does not matter. It literally says nothing about you except how many people you have slept with. It not a moral measuring stick, and it is never something to be ashamed of, regardless of how high or low it might be, whether you be man, woman or beast.
"In our culture sex outside of a monogamous relationship is typically frowned upon. We think it's wrong, make all kinds of assumptions about the people engaging in it and like to think there's something inherently damaged or incomplete about them. Like any other subjective act, sex doesn't mean anything in and of itself. [It's a biological function.] It only has the meaning you give it." -Thought CatalogWhen it comes to sex, there are very few universal guidelines. Once you are open and honest about the terms of your sexual encounters, all said encounters are consensual on all/both sides, and you are conscious and careful about the potential risks (re: STD protection and birth control) you're GOOD TO GO. That's it. HAVE ALL THE SEX. Prepare for the fuckening. Life is short and sex is fun! Morals don't travel well. Trying to apply medieval views on sex and sexuality to the 21st century is NEVER going to cut it. SO STOP YOUR SHIT Mr. Smooth.
And lastly, before I go, a note: The name of this blog was very carefully calculated. It has multiple meanings to me, and connotations to other people, and I've gotten several side-eyes as a result of the most obvious ones. But the main reason I named my blog Promiscuous Lola* is to generate the side-eye. The literal purpose of this title is to force people to confront and challenge their attitudes about sex and sexuality. The point is for them to see the name, assume I'm a whore-monger, read my writing, see that I'm actually an intelligent and articulate human being and then GET THE FUCK OVER THEMSELVES. I am aware that this is a thinly veiled layer of irony in promoting the ethical slut ideology when I have chosen PLola as my moniker (soon to change, but more on that later), but I'm also aware that I'm right. Short of personal responsibility for sexual health, there is no morality in sex. And that is the sex positive message that I would like to spread.
So fuck your bullshit Mr. Smooth. Cut it out.
/end rant.
*The name of this blog was changed a few days after this post went live.
Can we just talk about how faulty and unreasonable this logic is, even on a mathematical level? How do we expect and encourage men to rack up high numbers and simultaneously expect and encourage women to be chaste ? Who are these men going to rack up high numbers with if all women are supposed to be SuperVirgins 'till death? This double standard is not only stupid and hateful but also mathematically impossible. Unless, heterosexual super studs start having gay sex.
ReplyDeleteOh and the "Women Get Slack" argument? You know what also makes women "slack"? Childbirth.I guess in order to maintain optimum tightness women should stop having children. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW PROVIDING OPTIMAL MALE SEXUAL PLEASURE IS THE ONE WORTHWHILE THING A WOMAN COULD EVER POSSIBLY DO AND SHE'S PRACTICALLY WORTHLESS IF SHE DOESN'T. I guess the DJs are disgusted by their own mothers' "slackness". Because they argue that if you don't have the vaginal tightness of a prepubescent little girl you should just go ahead and kill yourself. Nice. Infantalization much?
Just, Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Textbook misogyny.I hope people realize that ideologies like this reduces women's worth to their sexuality. Women are allowed to human beings with their own sexual agenda.You do not have to be a passive tool of male sexual pleasure. You don't have use your sexuality as currency through which you purchase respect. Whether it's by giving or withholding sex. End of.
Bless this post.
Eeew! Do they even know that the vagina is waaaay more *elastic* then they think, and if we don't have sex for months it feels like you're losing your virginity again? So it's basically impossible to go "slack" unless you use giant dildos or give birth to 10 babies in 6 years. What the fuck does that even mean? It's disgusting. Everything in this society is disgusting, the way we treat women and the way we judge men as well when it comes to sexual activity. D i s g u s t i n g! It's unbereable eithre ways, judging men for not having enough sex and women for having too much sex. If it wasn't a chauvinist's forte I'd say "go and get laid cause you need it instead of talking bullshit on the radio".
ReplyDeleteThe mind boggles. Sickening.
ReplyDeleteThanks (I think) for bringing this to my attention. I don't pay attention to Boom Champions or any of the main urban stations so I had no idea that this is what passes for discussion there (and here I was think that Sir Charles on Power 102 is a Neanderthal).
ReplyDeleteWhile what the DJ said is shocking and crass, it's really of no surprise when one thinks about it; this is by no means a reading culture and whenever the talk swings to S-E-X -- as a close friend of mine insists on doing when her 6 year old son is around -- well is now self the ignorant, misogynist views come out. On top of that we have religious teachings that are far too influential for anyone's good. You, Ms Young, will find yourself having more of these blogs/"rants" as long as we continue to avoid engaging in open, direct confrontation and deconstruction of sexual mores. And that especially includes tracing the origins of the accepted ideas of "proper" sexual behaviour; we may be living in 2012 but culturally, when it comes to human -- especially women's -- sexuality, we are still firmly tied to patriarchal/patricentric customs and ideas laid out over 3000 years ago because of this nonsensical, bullshit idea that they are timeless and "god" inspired. They were never properly examined and challenged so we have the Smooths, the Sir Charles, the Morgan Jobs and any number of pastors, priests and pudits, with antiquated, double-standards ideas of masculine entitlement and privilege.
The mathematics argument just amuses me more than anything, but the entire setup is stupid on its FACE. Amen to everything in your last paragraph. That's the kind of thinking that I'd like to promote. It really irks me that these guys simultaneously expect to degrade and disrespect women, and then to turn around to those same women and have them willingly submit to them. Yea, NO....
ReplyDeleteEverything. The things they say demonstrate that they don't even have a basic grasp of biology much less gender politics...
ReplyDeleteI agree that religion plays a ridiculous role in sexuality and that the two need to be divorced. I also agree that their behavior is probably not a surprise to most, but I think that's it's imperative that I continue to make noise about their nonsense so that they eventually learn that it's NOT OKAY to behave that way. There need to be consequences.
ReplyDeleteWELL, my lady, I hope yuh back broad to deal with the dotishness that will be coming down. It's a really, really great idea to divorce sexuality from religion or as I read in the book The Bitch in the House, to separate sex from morality, but face it, especially here in the Caribbean, the uncritical attachment to religion is almost a religion in itself. The coloniser did an excellent job.
ReplyDeleteThe issue of religious ideas and human -- specifically women's -- sexuality is perhaps OUR final frontier. But it's the one frontier we most certainly need to explore and deconstruct because no matter how you turn it, the chauvinist, narrow-minded drivel coming from the mouths of Smooth, Job, Sir Charles, et al are based on certain accepted, all-pervasive ideas that are well over 3000 years old and were firmly cemented in the customs of the societies that went on to develop Jewish, Christian and Islamic thought.
And I don't think I need to tell you to keep in mind that among the most vocal critiques of women's more open sexuality are not men at all but many of your own sisters. But, let's kick open the door and kick it hard (I'd advise you to target those 21 and under, in my opinion trying to enlighten anyone over that age is a sadistic form of self-punishment, whatever rubbish religion, rom-coms, and novels put in yuh head about sex most likely staying right there)
Hello Ninjacate! I have been interested in the colourful culture of Trinidad for a while now, and the nature of the double standard that you brought up reminded me of this interesting book I read a while back. called "Crick Crack Monkey"; I don't know if you've read it. It's written by Merle Hodge and set in the 1970s, and it's one of the few Trinidadian works written by a female then. It touches on many themes that I thought you'd been interested in, from white supremacy and racism to slut shaming (though she did the latter in a very subtle way). It's very much about cultural identity as well. Are you sure you're not coming back to Jezebel forever? Because forever is awfully long. Meanwhile we'll keep fighting for intersectionality (? sorry not good at using this word ?) at Jezebel. Or perhaps we can call for a boycott? Jezebel is a site with a lot of potential, so I really wish it could reform.
ReplyDeleteI HAVE read Crick Crack Monkey actually. It was my form 2 literature book and I loved it. I think I still have my marked up copy full of notes in the house somewhere.
ReplyDeleteAs to Jezebel.... I want to say forever. I really do. They only thing pulling me back is the community that exists around GT. I really do miss those amazing ladies. So maybe in a few months I'll pop back in on GT alone, or maybe I'll come around infrequently just to say hi. I don't know. What I do know, is that I won't feel comfortable participating there until Jezebel apologizes for the missteps they've made. Since they seem to have a no apologies motto, it'll likely be a while.
1. Men want to easily identify the sluts so they know who to have uncommitted sex with, while also preserving the numbers of wife able women out there. Ie use the sluts then make sure they're segregated so as to not get stuck with the wizard sleeve later on.
ReplyDelete2. In rape culture, women are not held responsible for protecting their "sexual health", as you put it; it's the man's fault no matter what actually happened. The necessary corollary is what you rail against here: that it's not the man's fault a woman chose to have dozens of partners and thus reduce her long term mating value.
3. You reject Jazebel because they alienate you from their movement, but prior to you realizing that you relished in alienating others from that same movement, "because penis." This makes you look more like a sunshine patriot because either you hate masculinity or you don't. Why does it have to be all about elevating you personally?