It's been a while. In the last few weeks, I've been thinking about what resolutions I want to make for 2013. I've sat and thought about the new stage I'm at in my life, where I'd like my life to go from here, and all the things that would be required of me to get there. Heavy stuff.
Just thinking it through started to overwhelm me. There are so many things I'd like to accomplish in the next few years, that it all seems so daunting. How am I supposed to organize my life into some semblance of cohesion? How am I supposed to do it now? How long will it take me to get all the different tangents of my life in order? You can see how easily this turned into a worry spiral...
However, in a rare moment of lucidity, I remembered a blog post I read back in October that really resonated with me. The post was about taking the time to recognize and congratulate yourself for your achievements, and appreciating how far you've come in achieving your goals, even the little ones.
It's a simple concept that not enough people take the time to consider. I know that I certainly never have.
I really like the idea of acknowledging your small victories. Things can get very heavy very fast, and it can be really easy to forget that although you haven't reached your goal, you've made progress, and you're much further along than you were yesterday, or the day before that, or the week before that, or the month before that.
So that's what I'm going to do. It doesn't seem like much, but in the last few months I have accomplished a lot of what I wanted to accomplish. I am further along that I thought I'd be. And I think that it's good for my sanity to reassure myself that I'm moving forward with my life and that this rut I think I'm stuck in is all in my head.
Here's what I've accomplished this year:
THE BIG
I graduated from university, and now I have a degree in Photojournalism from Boston University.
I got hired as a copywriter at an advertising agency in Trinidad, and now I work with amazing people, and I get to see ads I've worked on pop up all over Trinidad.
THE SMALL
I applied to the Graduate program of my dreams. I didn't get in, but I did shoot an entire portfolio for the application, and that's more that I would have done a year ago.
I had two of my photographs in a small photo-exhibit at Boston University in the spring.
I renamed and refocused my blog to align more with the things I'm interested in.
I asked a guy out for the first time! He was really sweet too, but the whole moving to different country thing....
I started saving money. As in, properly, in a bank that pays interest and everything.
I'm sure there were other little victories along the way that I've since forgotten. But the point is, writing it all down, I can see that even though I think I haven't accomplished anything, and that my life is pointless, I've actually gotten quite a bit of shit done! I'm also learning that life doesn't turn on a dime. It takes time and dedication to get to where you want to be. Even though it feels like I'm only taking baby steps, those baby steps add up, and after awhile, you realize you're much further along than you thought you were.
It's so important not to undervalue your achievements. So often we're our own worst critics. It's time we were also our own best cheerleaders.
What about you? What have you accomplished this year that you're proud of?
If you live on this planet, then it's likely you've had to deal with Difficult People™ at some point in your life. Whether family, friend or stranger, there's always that one person, issue or way of thinking that makes your blood boil, and makes it hard to stay calm and keep your composure. Politics are a touchy subject for most people, and tempers can run high.
So how do you deal? Honestly, I have no clue. If you know me then you know that I'm of the "get so angry that I burst into tears out of sheer frustration" variety, and I think we can all agree that that approach is neither productive nor flattering...
While I certainly haven't figured out how to stave off the tears entirely, there are a few things that have helped me keep them at bay longer. In the moment, it's extremely hard to keep it together. When you're trying to explain to someone why reproductive rights are ESSENTIAL for economic success it can be really hard to overlook their deliberate obtuseness. Dealing with Difficult People™ can be an emotionally exhausting experience, and with the election all wrapped up, you'll likely be dealing with more Difficult People™ than usual in the coming days, but these tips can help you step back for a moment and remove a little of the emotion from the equation: 1. Breathe: Cliche I know, but you'd be surprised how well it works. I can't count the times that taking the time to take a few deep breaths has stopped me from saying some highly unsavory things in polite company. When you feel the bile rising, close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth hard, three times. Use those breaths to focus all your anger into a small pointy barb you can then use to take down your Difficult Person™ of choice with civility. Never forget that oftentimes, Difficult People™ will push your buttons intentionally to try to get a reaction. By preemptively calming yourself down, you're diffusing the situation and robbing them of their power over you.
2. Say Nothing: This is easily the most difficult suggestion in this entire post. It can be SO HARD not to interject when your Difficult Person™ is trying their very hardest to pick a fight, especially when social and economic policy are the topic of discussion. But as in the suggestion above, Difficult People™ are often intentionally pushing your buttons to get a reaction. Don't give them one. It takes two people to have an argument, and they can't argue with you if you refuse to engage. And as difficult as this option is, it is deeply satisfying to see the look of defeat on your Difficult Person™'s face when they realize you are determined to let them argue with themselves.
3. Leave: The rate of overlap between Difficult People™ and Stupid People™ (especially in politics) is astonishing. Rational People™ do not waste energy on Stupid People™. Sometimes the only thing to do is completely disengage.
4. Prepare: Sometimes disengaging entirely isn't a possibility, especially if your Difficult Person™ is a co-worker, family member or someone you live with. If a Difficult Person™ is someone you interact with regularly, then it's likely that you have already heard their entire arsenal of asinine arguments. You may not have realized it, but this gives you an advantage. If you already know what their most common defense strategies or arguments are, you can prepare dazzling counter-arguments in your spare time and then dazzle them with your logic and superiority the next time they turn up. We've all had the experience of coming up with an amazing comeback after the confrontation is over, and everyone hates that. Unfortunately, this option requires dedicating even more grey matter to a Difficult Person™ than most Rational People™are willing to, but it has the additional advantage of being a fairly permanent solution. It's pretty hard to argue with solid logic without looking like a crazy-pants Romney/Ryan supporter. (See what I did there? Sly like a tiger!)
5. Don't Escalate: Depending on the situation, you may be unable to avoid dealing with your Difficult Person™ head on. If this is the case, remember to keep your calm. Don't raise your voice or get flustered. It's all about keeping the conversation at a level that you can maintain, and controlling the tone of the argument. My dad does this ALL the time, and it's BRILLIANT.
And now I'm done. Writing this post has been extremely cathartic! What are some of the methods you've used to deal with the Difficult People™ in your life? Have you manged to excise energy-draining people from your life? How? Let me know in the comments below.
So, while I was only halfway looking (jk, I was raptly paying attention) an amazing thing happened. The fashion industry in Trinidad and Tobago experienced a beautifully vivid resurgence. The creativity and passion and desire that Trinbagonians have always had for flavour and colour and decadence, began to once again be funnelled into expressions of fashion.
Haute Caribe explores the ways in which fashion used to be tightly integrated into the culture of Trinidad and Tobago, and the ways in which that attitude is returning. In the last few years, there has been a wave of interest and appreciation for the talent that we have always had sitting right here within our shores, and a recognition of the young and upcoming talent that is eagerly waiting in the wings.
Watching the documentary (obsessively...) gives me an immense sense of pride. I remember feeling frustrated back in 2010, because I felt that there would never be a future in fashion for me if I stayed in Trinidad; the home I love. Thankfully, that is changing. From the Caribbean Academy of Fashion Design at UTT to the upcoming Style Spirit Fashion Weekend headed by Trinidad Lookbook Editor-in-Chief, Mel Gabriel, Trinidad is finally beginning to recognize fashion as a viable industry that should be supported and explored. There are so many possibilities when it comes to fashion, and I love knowing that I'm here, and that I can get in on the ground floor when it comes to helping build an industry that I value.
In any case, head on over to www.hautecaribe.com to view the full documentary. Really soak it in. It's beautifully produced and directed and really does justice to the scope of the history and talent of fashion in Trinidad and Tobago. Personally, I hope there are a few more installments!
"Right now the Caribbean is ripe. It's ripe for fashion. Fashion is ready. We're ready."
Can we please agree to never give this woman airtime ever again? She is a hateful woman who has no regard for the rights of people who are not rich, white Republicans. She makes me question my commitment not to say unnecessarily incendiary things about other women, because believe me, I have some choice words for her, but I will refrain from using them just this once. After taking immense heat for calling the President a retard after one of the debates, she went on Piers Morgan's show to defend her position and complain about being censored by the "word police". I cannot with her or anything she says.
The fact that she wants to disfranchise women and is proud of that fact makes me a little sick to my stomach. (Fun fact Ann, that would mean your vote too...) The fact that she has no sensitivity for those with down-syndrome, and can't seem to comprehend how words become bastardized when used derogatively really make me question how she ever became as highly regarded as she is. Her inability to understand that using the word "retard" to insult someone is equating someone you don't like with people with down-syndrome as though something is wrong with that condition really upsets me. She is deliberately obtuse and hateful. As someone commented on the video, "Retard is a verb. To use it as a noun is insulting." I think that's a brilliant way to put it.
In any case, this woman wears on me and my ability to think good things about the world.
I am PISSED.
Last night I spent about an hour in my car, hate listening to the radio.
I was heading home around 7:30pm and listening to "Raw Nitro" on Boom Champions 94.1 FM with Mr. Smooth and DJ Karey. It was their "Make Up or Break Up" segment, and the topic of conversation was essentially a very crass version of What's your number? Intrigued as I am by discussions of sexuality, I listened, curious to see where it would go. I'm not sure why I thought the session would be in any way enlightened, but I had faith in Trinidad. That faith was shattered last night.
Because THIS:
I am so fucking sick of the blatant misogyny coming from the djs on #94.1fm. The double standards are rampant and it needs to stop.
— Cate Young (@battymamzelle) October 18, 2012
Listeners were encouraged to call in and disclose their numbers. Fair enough. What was NOT okay was the way in which the female callers were treated after having done so. There was a CLEAR and BIASED dichotomy between the way the men and women were treated and frankly, it was disgusting.
The men had a nice time of it. They called in their numbers, (some bragging upwards of 900 women, I kid thee not) collected their virtual fist-bumps and went on their way.
But the women who called with higher numbers (varying from between 15 to 35 if I remember correctly were essentially told that no man would ever want to marry them, (because ZOMG WHAT IS A WOMAN WITHOUT A WEDDING RING?!?!?!?)allusions to loose vaginas included, and those with low numbers (usually 3 to 5) were told that they MUST be lying, and to not call in and lie to them.
I started last Friday, and I'm now officially a copywriter at an advertising firm. I won't say where yet because I don't know if I'm allowed to and I had to sign some scary looking confidentiality contracts...
I'M PEGGY YOU GUYS.
My middle name is even Margaret.
FOR SERIOUS.
Okay now that I've indulged myself and compared myself to Peggy Olsen, (as if) I actually really like this job. I mean, it's been a week, so it might be too early for sweeping assessments, but everyone is really nice, the work is fun and challenging, we drink rum on Fridays.... it's pretty sweet! I'm excited to do a little more and have more responsibility because bored is essentially death to me, and I want to feel like I'm earning my keep.
The only thing that sucks is having to get up at 5AM to beat the traffic and get into town on time. I have been sleeping until 10AM for FOUR YEARS. This responsibility shit is HARD. But it's worth it because getting to work early means an awesome parking spot! Basically, I haven't been here long enough to know anything, but so far, I like what I see and I'm excited to do more and learn more.
And I can't wait until I pull a total Peggy and start running my own department!
There are many things that bother me in this world. That's why I have a blog. So I can whine about them in peace, and not harass people who don't want to hear about it. But there's something happening in the body politics debate that has been bothering me in the last few months, and I want to lay it out in the open.
In the last few months, I've seen countless advertisements from Dove touting their dedication to "real" beauty and "real" women. Naturally, all the women in the ads are older, curvier, and often, women of colour.
Now, you must be asking yourself what could possibly be my issue with a campaign that seeks to radically change the definition of beauty? Dove's ads have taken women who are typically ignored by major beauty franchises and elevated them to star status. This is what we've been asking for, right? Dove has finally done what no other company would. They listened. So what's the problem?
The problem with Dove's campaign is that it is working on a zero-sum continuum of beauty. Instead of opening the definition of "beauty" to be more inclusive, it is simply changing it to exclude a different subset of women.
The answer to the beauty question isn't "real women have curves", it's "all women are real, and they're all equally beautiful." By labeling older, curvier women as "real", they are automatically labeling younger, more slender bodies as "unreal", which is obviously not okay. Those bodies are just as real. They are simply different.
In situations where one party in a discussion feels marginalized or ignored, it gets very easy to fire back at the other side on a personal level. The fashion industry has long had a preference for younger, more slender and yes, white bodies. But that isn't the fault of young, slender, Caucasian women. There is definitely needs to be a change in the mean demographics of the fashion industry. We've made strides over the years, and there is obviously still a long way to go. But making these women feel as poorly about their bodies as women of colour and size have felt for years does nothing to elevate our cause. All it does is create a different kind of divisiveness that is equally as sinister.
The answer to the body image question isn't to designate an ideal. That will always leave someone feeling left out and slighted. The answer is to be more inclusive. To accept all diverse body types as acceptable and beautiful. By shifting the definition of beauty instead of expanding it, we're just rehashing the same problems.
Dove's campaign is commendable in what it's trying to achieve but it fails in the execution. It's time we become more conscious of the issues facing women in today's world, and be more mindful not to alienate some women in order to appease others.
What do you think? Do you agree that the campaign is problematic? How do you think the campaign can be improved? What would you have done differently? Let me know in the comments below.
There are a lot of things that get me fired up and angry. The recent onslaught of sexism, violence and hatred directed at Anita Sarkeesian because of her desire to examine sexist tropes in video games is one of them. But I'm not a gamer. My favourite video game is The Sims. I have no expertise in this area, and so I kept silent for fear I would do more damage than good by not having all the facts.
But silent no more. Writer Ernest W. Adams, has put together a succinct analysis of why sexism in gaming is something that needs to be combated, and why men are the ones that need to do the fixing. As Audre Lorde said, "It is not the responsibility of the oppressed to educate the oppressors about their mistakes." Read on, and get educated.
***
Guys, we have a problem. We are letting way too many boys get into adulthood without actually becoming men. We’re seeing more and more adult males around who are not men. They’re as old as men, but they have the mentality of nine-year-old boys. They’re causing a lot of trouble, both in general and for the game industry specifically. We need to deal with this.
Why us? Becauseit’s our job to see to it that a boy becomes a man, and we are failing.
When we were little boys we all went through a stage when we said we hated girls. Girls had “cooties.” They were silly and frilly and everything that a boy isn’t supposed to be. We got into this stage at about age seven, and we left it again at maybe 10 or 11.
Then puberty hit and, if we were straight, we actively wanted the company of girls. We wanted to “go with” them, date them, and eventually we wanted to fall in love and live with one, maybe for the rest of our lives. That’s the way heterosexual boys are supposed to mature, unless they become monks.
My point is, you’re supposed to leave that phase of hating girls behind. Straight or gay, you’re supposed to grow the hell up.
What might be temporarily tolerable in a boy when he’s nine is pretty damned ugly when he’s fifteen and it’s downright psychopathic when he’s twenty. Instead of maturing into a man’s role and a man’s responsibilities, a lot of boys are stuck at the phase of hating girls and women. The boys continue to treat them like diseased subhumans right through adolescence and into adulthood.
Men have more power than women: financially, politically, and physically. What distinguishes a real man from a boy is that a man takes responsibility for his actions and does not abuse this power. If you don’t treat women with courtesy and respect – if you’re still stuck in that “I hate girls” phase – then no matter what age you are, you are a boy and not entitled to the privileges of adulthood.
If you want to have some private little club for males only – like keeping women out of your favorite shooter games – you’re not a man, you’re an insecure little boy. A grown-up man has no problem being in the company of women. He knows he’s a man.
If you freak out when a girl or a woman beats you in a game, you’re not a man, you’re a nine-year-old boy. A man doesn’t need to beat a woman to know he’s a man. A man is strong enough to take defeat in a fair game from anybody and move on.
If your masculinity depends on some imaginary superiority over women, then you don’t actually have any. Manliness comes from within, and not at the expense of others.
And if you threaten or abuse women, verbally or physically, you are not a man. You’re a particularly nasty specimen of boy.
When this puerile mentality is combined with the physical strength and sexual aggressiveness of an older boy or an adult male, it goes beyond bad manners. It’s threatening and anti-social, and if those boys are permitted to congregate together and support each other, it becomes actively dangerous. Yes, even online.
Of course, I don’t mean all boys are like this. Most of them get out of the cootie phase quickly and grow up just fine. But far too many don’t. If we don’t do something about these permanent nine-year-olds pretty soon, they’re going to start having boys of their own who will be just as bad if not worse, and life will not be worth living. Life is already not worth living on Xbox Live Chat.
In addition to the harm they do to women – our mothers, our sisters, our daughters – these full-grown juveniles harm us, too. A boy who refuses to grow up has lousy social skills, a short attention span, and a poor attitude to work. Furthermore, all men – that’s you and me, bro – get the blame for theirbad behavior. And we deserve it, because we’ve been sitting on our butts for too long.We let them be bullies online and get away with it.
Some of you might think it’s sexist that I’m dumping this problem on us men. It isn’t; it’s just pragmatic.Women can not solve this problem. A boy who hates girls and women simply isn’t going to pay attention to a woman’s opinion. The only people who can ensure that boys are taught, or if necessary forced, to grow up into men are other men.
Let’s be clear about something else. This is not a political issue. This is not a subject for debate, any more than whether your son is allowed to swear at his mother or molest his sister is a subject for debate. There is no “other point of view.” The real-world analogy is not to social issues but to violent crime. Muggers don’t get to have a point of view.
So how do we change things?
First, we need to serve as positive examples. With the very little boys, we need to guide them gently but firmly out of the cootie phase. To the impressionable teenagers, we must demonstrate how a man behaves and how he doesn’t. Be the change you want to see. Use your real name and your real picture online, to show that you are a man who stands behind his words. Of course, you can’t prove your name is real, but it doesn’t matter. If you consistently behave with integrity online, the message will get across.
Secondly, we men need to stand up for courtesy and decency online. We can’t just treat this as a problem for women (or blacks, or gays, or anybody else the juvenile bullies have in their sights). Tell them and their friends that their behavior is not acceptable, that real men don’t agree with them, that they are in the minority. Say these words into your headset: “I’m disappointed in you. I thought you were a man, not a whiny, insecure little boy.” Don’t argue or engage with them. Never answer their questions or remarks, just repeat your disgust and disapproval. Assume the absolute moral superiority to which you are entitled over a bully or a criminal.
Finally, we need to put a stop to this behavior. It’s time for us to force the permanent nine-year-olds to grow up or get out of our games and forums. It’s not enough just to mute them. We need to build the infrastructure that precludes this kind of behavior entirely – Club Penguin has already done it for children – or failing that, we have to make the bullies pay a price for their behavior.Appealing to their better nature won’t work; bullies have none. We do not request, we do not debate,we demand and we punish.
I have some specific suggestions, from the least to the most extreme.
Mockery. In 1993 50 Ku Klux Klansmen marched through Austin, Texas. Five thousand anti-Klan protestors turned up to jeer at them. Best of all, several hundred lined the parade route and mooned the Klan in waves. The media ate it up, and the Klan looked ridiculous. The hurt that they wanted to cause was met not with anger but with derision. The juvenile delinquents are just like the Klan in 1993: anonymous in their high-tech bedsheets, and threatening, but in fact, a minority. Let’s use our superior numbers and metaphorically moon the boys who can’t behave. They’re social inadequates, immature losers. Let’s tell them so, loud and clear, in front of their friends.
Shut them up. The right to speak in a public forum should be limited to those who don’t abuse it. James Portnow suggested this one in his Extra Credits video on harassment. Anyone who persistently abuses others gets automatically muted to all players. The only players who can hear them are those who choose to unmute them. Or another of James’ suggestions: New users don’t even get the right to talk. They have to earn it, and they keep it only so long as they behave themselves. This means a player can’t just create a new account to start spewing filth again if they’ve been auto-muted. Build these features into your games.
Take away their means. If you’re the father of a boy who behaves like this online, make it abundantly clear to him that it is unmanly and unacceptable, then deny him the opportunity to do it further. We don’t let nine-year-olds misuse tools to hurt other people. Take away his cell phone, his console and his computer. He can learn to behave like a man, or he can turn in his homework in longhand like a child.
Anonymity is a privilege, not a right. Anonymity is a double-edged sword. A limited number of people need it in certain circumstances: children, crime victims, whistleblowers, people discussing their medical conditions, political dissidents in repressive regimes. But those people normally don’t misuse their anonymity to abuse others; they’re protecting themselvesfrom abuse. I think the default setting in all online forums that are not intended for people at risk should require real names. After a user has demonstrated that they are a grown-up, thenoffer them the privilege of using a pseudonym. And take it away forever if they misuse it. I haven’t used a nickname for years except in one place where all the readers know who I am anyway. Has it made me more careful about what I say? You bet. Is that a good thing? Damn right it is.
Impose punishments that are genuinely painful. This suggestion is extreme, but I feel it’s both viable and effective. To play subscription-based or pay-as-you-go (“free-to-play-but-not-really”) games, most players need to register a credit card with the game’s provider. Include a condition in the terms of service that entitles the provider to levy extra charges for bad behavior. Charge $5 for the first infraction and double it for each subsequent one. This isn’t all that unusual; if you smoke in a non-smoking hotel room, you are typically subject to a whopping extra charge for being a jerk.
Now I’m going to address some objections from the very juvenile delinquents I’ve been talking about – if any of them have read this far.
“What’s the big deal? It’s harmless banter. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the game.” To start with, it’s our game, not yours, and we get to decide what’s acceptable behavior. You meet our standards or you get out. Apart from that, nothing that is done with intent to cause hurt is harmless. The online abuse I have seen goes way beyond banter. Threats are not harmless, they are criminal acts.
“But this is part of gamer culture! It’s always been like this!” No, it is not. I’ve been gaming for over 40 years, and it has not always been like this. Yours is a nasty little subculture that arrived with anonymous online gaming, and we’re going to wipe it out.
“This is just political correctness.” Invoking “political correctness” is nothing but code for “I wanna be an asshole and get away with it.” I’ll give you a politically-incorrect response, if you like: fuck that. It’s time to man up. You don’t get to be an asshole and get away with it.
“You’re just being a White Knight and trying to suck up to women.” I don’t need to suck up to women, thanks; unlike you, I don’t have a problem with them, because I’m a grown man.
“Women are always getting special privileges.” Freedom from bullying is a right, not a privilege, and anyway, that’s bullshit. Males are the dominant sex in almost every single activity on the planet. The only areas that we do not rule are dirty, underpaid jobs like nursing and teaching. Do you want to swap? I didn’t think so.
“It’s hypocrisy. How come they get women-only clubs and we don’t get men-only clubs?” Because they’re set up for different reasons, that’s why. Male-only spaces are about excluding women from power, and making little boys whose balls evidently haven’t dropped feel special. Female-only spaces are about creating a place where they are safe from vermin.
“But there’s misandry too!” Oh, and that entitles you to be a running sore on the ass of the game community? Two wrongs don’t make a right.. I’ll worry about misandry when large numbers of male players are being hounded out of games with abuse and threats of violence. If a few women are bigoted against men, you only have to look in the mirror to find out why.
“Free speech!” The oldest and worst excuse for being a jerk there is. First, you have no right to free speech in privately-owned spaces. Zero. Our house, our rules. Second, with freedom comes the responsibility not to abuse it. People who won’t use their freedoms responsibly get them taken away. And if you don’t clean up your act, that will be you.
OK, back to the real men for a few final words.
This is not about “protecting women.” It’s about cleaning out the sewers that our games have become. This will not be easy and it will not be fun. Standing up to these little jerks will require the same courage from us that women like Anita Sarkeesian have already shown. We will become objects of hatred, ridicule, and contempt. Our manhood will be questioned. But if we remember who we are and stand strong together, we can beat them. In any case we won’t be threatened with sexual violence the way women are. We have it easier than they do.
It’s time to stand up. If you’re a writer, blogger, or forum moderator, please write your own piece spreading the message, or at least link to this one. I also encourage you to visit Gamers Against Bigotry, sign the pledge, are share it. Use your heavy man’s hand in the online spaces where you go – and especially the ones you control – to demand courtesy and punish abuse. Don’t just mute them. Report them, block them, ban them, use every weapon you have. (They may try to report us in return. That won’t work. If you always behave with integrity, it will be clear who’s in the right.)
Let’s stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the women we love, and work with, and game with, and say, “We’re with you. And we’re going to win.”
Three years ago I joined an online community that I hoped would help me to refine my ideas about fashion and hone my ability to discuss its various intricacies in an online medium. Today, I am officially severing ties with IFB and moving on. Because after what has transpired over the last few days, I can no longer remain a part of that community and also remain in good conscience.
You may have heard by now about IFB's poorly-received "article" on Bloggers and Body Image and the incredibly ill-advised follow up, An Open Letter to the IFB Community. The first, written by staff writer Taylor Davies insinuated, likely unintentionally that the "top-tier" of fashion blogging remains white-washed and homogeneous in terms of size and age because more diverse niche bloggers were not disciplined enough to post regularly and produce compelling content. When the commentariat effectively revolted, the post was edited to remove the offending statements, and the site's founder Jennine Jacob immediately went on the defensive in the comment section, attacking readers and even going so far as to delete dissenting comments that offended her. A few days later (I'm not sure how many because IFB does not date its posts) the Open Letter surfaced. Penned by Jennine, the diatribe amounted to "Don't be mean to me. You are a bully. It's my blog, and I'll do what I want." Again revolt.
There are a number of things that bothered me about this incident. Firstly, WTF IFB? How did that article ever get through to publication? The implications contained in Taylor's article, (the original version of which you can find here) were racist, classist and size-ist. And what makes it worse, is that their defense of their position makes it clear that they really couldn't see that. The defensive tone that Jennine took in the comments of the original article and in the open letter show that she learned nothing from the situation. The fact that she opted to edit the article rather than post a retraction is rather telling; why remove the content if you claim to stand by it? And how dare you berate your readers for calling you out on your tone-deafness and refusal to acknowledge racial and economic privilege? How can you claim to be cultivating a community if you refuse to engage your community? A dissenting opinion does not equate bullying. You want to know what bullying looks like? Go look up Anita Sarkesian. The fact that you even made that comparison leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Perhaps Jennine needs to take a closer look at IFB's content. If the majority of your readers are saying that something is offensive, and saying so articulately, chances are, it's offensive. The correct thing to do at that point is to apologize and learn from the experience, not double down on your bad decision and further alienate your readers. It doesn't matter what your intent was. The fact is that you offended your readers. Intentional or otherwise, you offended your readers. The only acceptable thing to do is apologize. That Open Letter? THAT IS NOT HOW APOLOGIES WORK IFB.
This was such a missed opportunity to start a discussion that needed to be had. Fashion blogging used to be diverse. Now, it is essentially second-hand PR for the established industry. Now it reflects the standards that women were trying to rebuff when they started their blogs in the first place. The bloggers who succeed are thin, white and blonde, and often have the disposable capital to spend on designer clothing. There is hardly a face of colour, or a woman over size 2 in sight. Why is that? What can we do to combat it?
What annoys me most about this incident is that this has been brewing for months. MONTHS.I think in all, Bella Q of Citizen Rosebud captured my general feelings on the issue most concisely. IFB has become a place where only the young, thin, and traditionally beautiful will be acknowledged, and the "follow me" trolls dominate. It is now a website full of quickly churned out fluff pieces that are poorly researched and badly written. It is no longer the resource it purports to be, and I find it interesting that it has taken this incident for other bloggers to voice, essentially the same opinion.
Many of the comments I made on the original article yesterday were deleted, but I had enough foresight to save this one. It briefly covers most of what irks me about these articles, the backlash and the response:
“Other people have said it already, but I’m annoyed enough by this, yet another of IFB’s poorly researched and offensively written articles to say this myself.
If IFB is so concerned that there are no non-white/skinny/model-esque bloggers in the “top tier” (is that even a thing? I mean really…) then why don’t you FEATURE MORE OF THEM? Your blogger spotlights all feature the same type of woman. Your ads and promo images for IFB Con, and for articles are all slim, young, white women. You are actively contributing to the problem that you claim to be so concerned about.
And to insinuate that minority/niche bloggers are not featured because their blogs are not up to par? Really? That’s what you’re going to go with?
It is convenient that you’ve neglected to acknowledge the social and political factors that contribute to things like this. Model-esque bloggers get more sponsorships because they reinforce the already established hierarchy within fashion. It’s not rocket-science. Bloggers who don’t fit that image will ALWAYS be at a disadvantage. That’s how privilege works ladies.
You’ve also only touched on one aspect of the situation. “Real women” are not just women who wear a size 14. We come in all shapes and sizes, all race and ethnicities, all different cultures and beliefs, but you know, let’s not be mean to the popular, successful and yes, skinny bloggers because they’re more disciplined than us. That would mean we’re just jealous.
IFB loves to posit itself as an all-inclusive venue where bloggers can come for a sense of community, but over the last year especially, you have actively been alienating the base that built you. You have the power to FIX THIS PROBLEM. Instead, you ride the coattails of those who are already established. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. We have been doing our part by creating our blogs and sharing out experiences. If even places like IFB shut us out, where do we go? There is a reason I don’t read any of those blogs anymore. They reflect nothing of myself or my life or my experience. But there are blogs that do. Why not feature those blogs? Why not direct the community at large to bloggers who are doing great things and deserve to be recognized instead of reinforcing the same old tropes?
All in all, this was a poor excuse for an article. You want to be taken seriously as journalists? Then you need to do the work that journalists do. You need research, facts, references. You can’t just pull shit out of midair.”
There is honestly not very much more that I want to say on the issue. I credit myminiature tantrum back in May and subsequent change in direction to IFB's increased tone of elitism and exclusion. I literally decided that I hated fashion blogging because IFB made me feel as though the content I was producing was simply not in line with the ideal of fashion blogging (read: personal style blogging), and therefore would never be creditable. In my head, I was following instructions, and still falling flat on my face. And honestly, I've been MUCH more satisfied with my blog's content since I made that shift.
I'm angry, and it's taking a lot of restraint to keep the profanities from slipping out, but in the end, I am glad that I found IFB. In the early days it was an excellent resource, and I found and followed some amazing, thoughtful and nuanced bloggers, many of whom I still follow today. Now however, it has become a shilling machine that idolizes the same five bloggers and exalts them every chance it gets. This does not sit well with me.
Had you heard about IFB-gate? How did you respond to the article and letter? What are your thoughts, and do you think Jennine handled the situation well? How would you have handled the situation differently? What do you think IFB should do moving forward? Sound Off in the comments below!
For some other great takes on the issue, check out these posts. Be sure to read the comments and contribute to the ongoing discussion:
UPDATE (17.8.12 | 3:13PM): Taylor has since posted an apology to IFB's readers over the fallout from her post. While I have never been Taylor's biggest fan, I think that her apology was genuine and articulate, and I truly appreciate that. To me, her letter shows that she has in fact been listening objectively to the conversations being had about her post, and has been taking the time to examine her role in the situation, assess how she can improve, and strive to do so. After the heavy criticism she has faced, that takes humility and maturity, and I respect that.
HOWEVER, I am still less than pleased with Jennine Jacob. More than Taylor, she owes the community an apology for her disregard of their opinions and refusal to be open to constructive criticism, all while shelling tickets for IFBCon that cost between $125 and $600. Truthfully, I blame her for this dust-up more than I blame Taylor, because as the editor of what she considers to be a legitimate publication, she has a greater responsibility to make sure things like this don't happen in the first place. I appreciate Taylor's apology and in my book she is forgiven, but if Jennine still thinks that it is okay to selectively shut out her readership, then there is no reason to believe that the elitist climate that has developed will be changing any time soon, and I will still be leaving.
UPDATE (17.8.12 | 3:21PM): IFB has cross-posted this response by Nicolette Mason to the controversy. Nicolette's name came up frequently in the discussions rebutting the idea that quality blogs by minority bloggers do not exist. It is very well written and really touches on what bothers me about Jennine's open letter. She uses the Audre Lorde quote "It is not the responsibility of the oppressed to educate the oppressor about their mistakes" to concisely identify why the original insinuations were so hurtful. I urge you to go read it.
UPDATE (17.8.12 | 3:50 PM): Bella Q of The Citizen Rosebud has posted a call to action on her blog. With the IFB controversy winding down, we bloggers have to assess what we're left with, and how we can start changing the landscape to reflect more of the real-life diversity in fashion blogging. Bella proposes that we spend the next two weeks seeking out and promoting bloggers that we think are of "top-tier" quality in an effort to acknowledge our own role in this mass internet revolt. Tweet, comment, and post about the fashion bloggers you think best represent you, and let's get back to the diversity we started out with.
UPDATE (19.8.12 | 8:25PM): Jennine Jacob has posted an apology for the controversy surrounding IFB. I personally find it a little vague and underwhelming, but I am still upset, and obviously biased.However, you should read it and decide for yourself. I do commend her for apologizing though, and an incomplete apology is better than none at all. I can only hope that Jennine has truly learned from this situation, and will in fact strive to do better in the future.
It's here! Nicki Minaj's video for her fourth single Pound the Alarm has finally been released. Filmed entirely in her (read: my) native land of Trinidad and Tobago, the video celebrates Trinidad's annual Carnival (read: NOT Brazil).
My favourite part of watching this video was recognizing every scene. I know where every inch of this video was filmed and that makes me happy and proud. There are so many things that Nicki got right in representing Trinidad with this video and I'd like to highlight them.
Firstly, our national instrument, the steelpan. Regardless of what the world at large thinks, the steelpan was invented in Trinidad and Tobago, and has nothing to do with stereotype of the Rastafarian playing pan on the beaches of Jamaica whatsoever. Next we have a coconut vendor selling his wares on the Queen's Park Savannah with Queen's Royal College framed beautifully in the background. Then, a beautiful montage of different aspects of life in Trinidad, from our nation bird, the Scarlet Ibis, to football in the Savannah and yes, our beautiful beaches.
Now onto the mas! The first half of the video sets up Nicki's romp through Port-of-Spain flanked by stunning costumed local ladies chipping through the streets to the Grand Stand. Naturally, Trinidad is so small that I recognize more than a few of the faces! I also loved that there were so many different races represented throughout the video. It always amuses me that people (usually Americans unfortunately) cannot wrap their heads around the idea of a multiracial society. Well, here you have it: beautiful Trinidadian women of all descents playing mas together with nary a care in the world.
But my favourite part? This awesome shot of Nicki flanked by her Trini cousins, who she invited to participate in the video with her. Any true Trini knows that you "had betta" come see your family when you get home, no matter how soon you'll be leaving again.
This is Trinidad. It isn't all of Trinidad, and it certainly isn't the full picture, but it's the Trinidad that I love. It's the Trinidad that I pined for while I was at school, and it's the Trinidad that the world should see and appreciate. There will be detractors. Trinidad has more than its own share of pessimists and misanthropes, but in light of our recent embarrassments, I'm glad that there is something to counteract the stereotype of ignorant island dwellers. Trinidad is vibrant, and full of life and culture and innovation. This is the Trinidad that we should see, promote and be proud of. This video is an amazing look at an amazing culture. I've never been so proud to see so much red white and black.
So... The Fifty Shades Trilogy. Let's discuss. Apparently we're calling it "Mommy Porn"?
Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard of the Fifty Shades Trilogy, and you know that it has exploded in popularity basically overnight. Last count puts it as the fastest selling paperback of all time, edging out J.K. Rowling's (far superior) Harry Potter series.
A lot has been said about the books. Some people love it, and profess that it's forever changed their sex lives. Some think it's simply a poorly written story. Some can't seem to get over the fact that Ana is the world's first 21-year-old luddite, and others refuse to read it entirely. But the narrative that seems to keep getting lost, and the one that I think is most important, is the fact that the Fifty Shades trilogy glorifies abuse.
Yes, ABUSE. And it's not okay that you're okay with that.
Before I continue, let me be clear: I am not saying or implying that these novels promote abuse and violence because they depict a relationship that includes BDSM. BDSM within a consenting sexual relationship is NOT abuse.I'll repeat myself because that last part is important. BDSM is not, in and of itself, abuse, and Christian's interest in BDSM is not what makes him an abuser. My opinion about these novels is not based on how these characters choose to get their jollies, but rather on how one half of the couple (Christian) exerts control over the other half (Ana) by emotionally manipulating her into submission. The fact of the matter, is that Christian Grey preys on Ana Steele. He controls every aspect of her life and even goes so far as to legallyisolate her, by having her sign a non-disclosure. A non-disclosure for a romantic relationship. Not at all problematic. Additionally, he continually pressure her into giving him more than she feels comfortable with. Date rape. Basically. Jennifer Armintrout of Sweater for Days and Moves like Jaggerhas written the best analysis of the abuse in Christian and Ana's relationship that I have seen so far. In it, she details the red flags in their relationship, working from a list in the book How to Spot a Dangerous Man. She writes,
The following "red flags" are from a hand out entitled "Universal Red Flags" taken from a book called How To Spot A Dangerous Man. The instructions read: "Check all the following that apply even if only remotely". Let me share the ones I checked on Ana's behalf:
You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him. Ana often thinks about how she can "escape" Christian, how she needs to find an exit, how she can't handle being around him because she can't trust herself to think clearly. In just the portion of the book we've reviewed so far, Ana has ended three of her encounters with Christian as a sobbing mess.
You feel bad about yourself when you are around him. One of the clearest indicators, to me, anyway, that there is a power imbalance in their relationship is the fact that Ana constantly compares herself - how she looks, how she acts, how she's dressed - to Christian and his very wealthy lifestyle, and she always finds herself lacking. She often wonders why he's interested in her.
You only feel good about yourself when you are with him. Conversely, Ana doesn't have a nice word to say about herself unless it's confirmed by Christian. When her roommate tells her that she's pretty, Ana interprets it as a patronizing compliment Kate can't possibly mean, but when Christian Grey calls Ana beautiful, she suddenly believes she is. In fact, the only time she believes anything good about herself is when Christian is saying it.
Your value system and his are very different, and it's problematic. I have this phrase I trot out from time to time with my friends who are dating: If you have to "work on" the relationship within the first month, it's not going to work out. Sometimes, people are simply incompatible. Ana and Christian have spent most of their relationship with Ana trying to find ways around giving Christian what he wants, and Christian refusing to bend on his expectations. This is not going to clear up in a few more dates.
If you're paying attention, the message these novels are trying to send is that "Love will overcome all", that love and passion consume you, and that if you try hard enough, you can change a person into someone better. Better for them, and better for you. But the implicit message is that if you love someone, you should stick it out with them no matter what, even when the situation is no longer safe or comfortable for you. These books are a manual on how to become an abused woman. Ana is unwittingly part of her own subjugation, and ignores her own instincts in order to preserve a relationship that she thinks is the best thing to ever happen to her. She's so completely invested in the fantasy of her relationship with Christian that she doesn't think she deserves him.
Not healthy.
And let's talk about Christian Grey for a moment. Other than his blinding and overwhelming beauty/handsomeness, he seems to have no redeeming qualities. He blatantly manipulates Ana, controls her life, makes choices on her behalf and against her will, all while murmuring a constant string of compliments meant to lull her into resignation. He is aggressively and violently possessive. This is the man that millions of women are fantasizing about? This is the man that women are wishing their husbands would emulate? You should be so lucky that your husband/boyfriend is not like this prick.
The feminist in me cries loud, racking tears that these books are so popular. It makes me sad and angry that so many women (many of whom I respect and admire, mind you) are somehow selectively blind to the sadistic overtones of this romance. I'm genuinely confused as to how anyone, much less a self proclaimed feminist, can read these novels and not take issue with the pretty explicit abuse storyline at play.
It doesn't help that Ana is the world's biggest Mary Sue. She is a vacuous mess of a person who essentially has no purpose but to be infatuated with Christian. Her entire life is consumed with her relationship with him, and she spends all of her time trying to make sense of how to interact with him. Christian is her Manic Pixie Dream Guy, except that contrary to what she thinks, he is far from perfect, and she has learned nothing from him except how to "behave". Ana is the woman that millions of women are wishing they were. This ignorant, naive little wisp of a thing whose entire life revolves around a man and that man's sexual desires.
And I'm supposed to hold Ana Steele up as some sort of progressive example of women's sexual evolution?
Bitch, please.
This is also not about sexual repression or expression. Some have speculated that the reason these novels have flown off the shelves is because women secretly want to be submissive. That's bullshit. Women "secretly" want to be able to say that they like sex, and to be able to talk about it without being shamed for it, and without having to use shitty erotic fiction to do. Sex is amazing and awesome and fun and good for your health. I'm all about women discovering and enjoying their sexuality, and taking charge of it in no uncertain terms. But I'm deeply troubled that so many are using the roadmap set out by a naive and inexperienced young woman and her controlling and dominating boyfriend in order to do so. Believe me, I understand the appeal of this novel. Even so-called vanilla sex is seen as forbidden or taboo to some people, so the idea that people are reading and discussing an erotic novel so widely and so openly is a pretty big deal. It's about the sexual fantasy, and the exploration of themes that we might be to ashamed to broach in our real lives.
Okay, don't buy a book just to burn it. That's a bit much.
via WotsHappening
Unfortunately, it's not justa matter of the fantasy. It's not okay to say, "It's not real! It's about escapism!" This trilogy promotes an emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive relationship as a romantic ideal. Its "heroine" continues to make excuses for her partner, and she rewards his bad behavior against her better judgement. It's the classic domestic violence story, but this time it's wrapped in a pretty bow. You cannot be a person who is against domestic violence and abuse in all its forms, and also be a person who enjoys this novel. The two ideals are inherently mutually incompatible. It's like saying that killing kittens is horrible, but then loving the shit out of a book that is all about how killing kittens is the most awesome and innovative thing you've ever heard of, because dammit, that book makes killing kittens sound AWESOME. Killing kittens in not awesome. Stop telling people that it's cool to kill kittens.
It's not lost on me that these novels began as Twilight fanfiction. The Twilight novels are just as damaging, there just isn't any X-rated sex. Blogger and Youtuber Laci Green put it best in her Dangerous Role Models video. In it, she discusses the framework of Edward and Bella's relationship and how the romance is essentially a farce that renders Bella (the original Mary Sue) powerless, incompetent, and a dependent and obsessive slave to Edward's whims. Bella never once stands up for herself. She has no autonomy in the relationship, and almost literally loses her mind when Edward leaves her. The narrative of this video almost perfectly mirrors the narrative of Fifty Shades.
There is nothing sexy or cool about the way that Christian treats Ana in these novels, and the idea that he behaves that way because he's "damaged" seeks only to lift the blame from his shoulders and place it squarely on Ana's. It is not okay that he dominates her life and actively tries to bend her to his will. It's not okay that he takes advantage of her youth and inexperience. It is not okay that he exploits her desperate need for acceptance and validation.
I won't be recapping the novels as I originally intended, because it's already been done, (quitehilariously, actually) and I've already said all that I wanted to say. But I do hope that reading this will give women (and men) a new perspective on the novels, and help them understand that far from sexually liberating women, these books are doing more harm than good by touting a relationship that is marred by inequality and subjugation as the standard to which we should hold our own relationships.
Fifty Shades is shackling women to old, destructive ideas about women and sexuality, and men and dominance.
via USA Today
There's a lot to parse through when it comes to the Fifty Shades Trilogy. What are your thoughts on the subject? What was your response to the novel? Are you a fan of Ana Steele and Christian Grey's relationship or did you find it as problematic as I do? Let me know in the comments below.
